The Grief of Motherhood: Why You Feel Different After Becoming a Mum
Understanding identity shifts, matrescence, and why it’s okay to miss parts of who you were...
When You Feel Different and Can’t Quite Explain Why
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “Why do I feel so different?” while also staring at a tiny human you love more than anything - this is for you.
Becoming a mother doesn’t just change your schedule or your sleep. It changes you. And no one really sits you down beforehand and says, “By the way, your entire internal world is about to reorganise.”
We talk about nappies. We talk about feeding. We talk about sleep (or the lack of it!). But what we don’t talk about enough is the quiet yet significant identity shift happening underneath all of that. And sometimes, woven into that shift, is grief.
When we hear the word grief, we tend to think of it in the biggest or most obvious sense, like losing a loved one. But grief, at its core, is simply a response to change and loss. Sometimes the thing we’re grieving isn’t a person - it’s a version of ourselves.
It might be the woman who could leave the house without packing half of it first. The one who said yes to dinner plans without checking nap schedules. The one who drank a cup of tea while it was still hot - remember that luxury?
None of this means you regret motherhood. None of it means you’re ungrateful. It simply means something has shifted. And change, even good change, can feel wobbly. How could it not?
For many women, early motherhood can feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. One day you've got a pretty good sense of who you are and how you operate in the world. Then one minute next, you’re functioning on broken sleep, trying to remember the last time you finished a thought uninterrupted. You can prepare somewhat practically, but there is no real way to fully prepare for the internal recalibration that happens unless you’ve lived it before. I encourage you to approach this change with so much compassion on yourself; adjusting to your new rhythms, getting to know your baby (and yourself all over again), and settling into your parenting role solo or with a partner takes time.
Enter Matrescence
If the above resonates at all, allow me to put a bit more language to it which might invite some helpful clarity around the topic for you. Often when we think of pregnancy and motherhood, a lot of the focus is placed on the baby- and quite right for so many reasons! But for now let's look at the emotional, psychological and physical changes a mother goes through during pregnancy and post birth. This is a process called Matrescence. Think of it like adolescence, which teenagers go through, that is similar in a way where a significant identity shift is taking place. I often find myself thinking "how come adolescence is so much more spoken about than matrescence?!". Maybe you're now thinking the same. It's comforting for many mums to be able to make sense of the rollercoaster, so they feel less alone and isolated in the transition into motherhood, and I hope this brings you some comfort too.
Studies continue to show measurable changes in the maternal brain, particularly in areas linked to empathy, bonding and emotional processing. Psychologists describe identity reconstruction as a core part of this stage. Aurélie Athan, PhD clinical psychologist talks on the process of matrescence by saying, “It’s much like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, it undergoes a ‘gooey’ period in which there’s a sense of a breakdown, just like in adolescence”—and you might come out a completely different person."
Many mothers find even being able to put a name on how they're feeling a huge weight off their shoulders. A huge part of finding some comfort in the transition comes with being able to normalise it, recognise that it's a process and that they're not alone in it.
Matrescence and grief
Grief is often woven into matrescence because becoming a mother isn’t just about gaining a child, it also involves letting go of parts of your previous life. As your identity shifts, it’s common to feel the loss of who you once were — your independence, your spontaneity, even the version of yourself that felt more predictable and known. Your body has changed, your relationships may look different, your career might have paused or taken a new direction, and your sense of self is being reshaped in real time. Psychologically, your brain is adjusting to a new role and responsibility, while physically, hormonal changes and tiredness can intensify emotions, making everything feel closer to the surface. When you understand that this sense of loss is a natural part of matrescence, it stops feeling like something is wrong with you and starts to feel like something you’re moving through.
Grief in motherhood doesn’t stay fixed in one place. It changes shape. It attaches itself to milestones. It evolves as they grow.
And alongside that grief is something else entirely.
There’s the wonder of watching them taste their first food. The way they light up at something you’d forgotten was magical. The skipping down the street like it’s the most important mission on earth. The muddy puddles. The belly laughs. The moments that make you stop and think, “I get the privilege of being able to witness this.”
Motherhood is an invitation to hold both. The ache and the awe. The nostalgia and the excitement. The longing and the joy. There is room for all of it — even when it feels contradictory.
Matrescence or grief isn’t weakness. It isn’t failure. Naming it doesn’t make you dramatic. It makes you aware. And awareness gives you options.
You are not weak for missing who you were before motherhood. You are not flawed for occasionally thinking, “Wow, this is a lot.” You are not broken if parts of this feel bigger than you expected. And two things can exist at once; maybe for you that means acknowledging the overwhelm, and knowing that you could burst with love at the sight of your baby at the same time. One doesn't cancel out the other.
With that said, there are always options for more support should you need it. Perhaps taking some moments for yourself where you can for some self-care, building community, getting outside for gentle walks or seeking professional support if that feels like something you would benefit from.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Actually, I don’t feel that way,” that’s completely okay too. Not every mother experiences this period in as much depth or shows up as grief. The beauty of motherhood is how personal it is, no mother will experience it the same - but the good news is you get to be exactly where you are in your motherhood journey without judgement.
And reminding yourself that this is a season can help. It will change. There may one day be more space to revisit parts of your “old” self - passions, rhythms, spontaneity - even if they look different now. They are not gone forever. They may simply be paused.
You can love your children and miss who you were. You can feel gratitude and grief in the same breath.
There is space for all of it.
